This morning I woke up (thankfully!) and still hadn’t decided how I feel about this blog-try. Crazy idea maybe, but also a nice idea. So I am putting myself behind my laptop to write another blogpost, before I can talk myself out of it.
“Now I’m done being perfect and done being good, I want to be me” refers to what I have been thinking about lately. Lately means that I have been thinking about this for a few years now, that’s how long I can ponder things. (Probably how long I need to ponder things).
I have always ‘been’ a perfectionist, meaning that I often strife for things I do to be perfect out of the need to be loved. Whatever I do, it does not feel good enough until I have twiddled with every detail of it, in my personal life as well as (and mostly) in my professional life. As a result of that, my work is most of the time rated as allright or good, exactly what I want. However, that also comes with a price.
Working so hard to make everything perfect is very tiring. My head sometimes goes crazy because I can’t handle it if something is not sorted out perfectly. That means that I sometimes spend hours doing a simple job that could be done in 20 minutes or so. I spend far more time on it than I want or than strictly necessary, just because I can’t get myself to stop trying to perfect it. It absolutely drives me crazy. Also, it is actually not necessary. At a certain point, whatever it is that you do, it does not become better by spending anymore time on it. I know this. I even say this to myself; “NO, you don’t have to ruin the entire lawn, just to make sure every bit of poisonous plant is gone”, “NO, you don’t have to cycle all the way back to your work to check if you locked the door (after checking 5 times already to see if it was locked)”, “NO, you don’t have to re-clean the entire window just because you missed a spot”. Still, I find it so hard to let it go. Sometimes however, when I am especially tired, I just do not have enough braincells left to think myself crazy and then my work gets done both quickly and good. Last week I had a few days like that. Eventhough I was very tired, it felt so good to just for once get my job done in time. It sort of made me realize again that my work might actually get better if I fret less about it. So that is what I intend to do now. To see what happens if I stop trying to be perfect and to perfect things. It might work, it might not. Anyhow, the idea gives me a lot of peace so I’ll try sticking with it for at least a day; and if it does not work, I can always give sleep-deprivation a try, that might help me to think less about trivial stuff. Always nice to have a back-up plan…