Nothings

It feels like I have nothing to write about; like my life is on pause and nothing is going on. It feels like this for a little while already to be honest. Ever since I got a rejection letter from a company where I was dying to be an intern at, my life has just felt a little hopeless and motionless. Like I am waiting for something, though I am not sure what I am actually waiting for. Am I waiting for someone to come along and safe me? I do not know. Maybe. It would be nice for sure, though I do not think anyone can safe me. I need to safe myself. Am I waiting for a new opportunity to show up so I can grab it? I sort of am I guess. That is how it always has been. I just lived my life and ideas and opportunities just came to me without difficulty. They were just there and all I had to do is decide which opportunity or idea to follow first and which one after that. Now I am waiting for new ideas to strike me, new opportunities to come along but they just will not. I am afraid that this time I need to search for them. Maybe the opportunities are searching for me, but they just cannot find me. In that case I also need to start searching for them, so that hopefull somewhere in the future we can find each other.

Some of my friends actually think this is a good thing. They tell me ‘Now you are free. Now you do not have to stick to a plan that you made, you are free to do other things, to explore’. But hey, guess what? I do not feel free. I feel trapped inside this nothingness. Having no plan is not freedom to me. It is like a prison. Having ideas, having plans (no matter how far done the timeline), that is what freedom is to me. I never feel more free than when I got a plan and start to act on it. That when I feel whole again. This planlessness is just plain horrible to me and I hate it. No ‘yeah exploring’ or ‘finally freedom’ for me. Maybe it feel like that to those friends, but that definitely not the way it feels to me. I feel stuck. Just plain, utterly and boringly stuck. How marvelous..

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