Beginnings to ends to new beginnings

Sometimes there is something so satisfying about ends, about willingly completing and leaving behind a something that has been part of your daily life for a while; something that I imagine feels like letting go.

Throughout my whole life I am dealing with a quite intense need to have control. I like being in control or maybe just the feeling and idea of being in control. For that reason I, for example, do not drink a lot of alcohol. For that reason I try to do everything I can by myself. For that reason I archived memories (photos, sentences, the works) with dates and times written next to them. For that reason I find it incredibly hard to throw anything away (because what if I need it later?). For that reason I rigorously plan and prepare for trips. For that reason I made lots of photos during my stay in my old student-house, because I knew I would be leaving someday.

However, when I reach the point of completing some specific task, a stay somewhere, or something that has been part of my daily life, the part of me that needs to be in control shuts up for a while. When I finally decide to get my hair cut, I can let go of the fear that it might be cut horribly. When I am moving, I can enjoy leaving my old life behind. When I am finally on that airplane, I can stop planning to look out through the window. When I stop working somewhere, I can happily give my work clothes back. There is no need to control anything anymore and I can enjoy the process of saying goodbye to that specific something.

That is in no way to say that all ends are always satisfying. Some ends are just incredibly heartbreaking and sad, they are unwanted and came to soon. Those ends will take away your feeling of control too, but not in a nice way then. However, some ends can feel really nice because they symbolize the completion of something. Like the end of a study, is the completion of an education. The end of holiday, is the completion of (hopefully) some really nice relaxing and reloading time. The end of a project, is the completion of something new, something you made and that is now out there in the world.

Maybe those ends can feel so satisfying because when something is ending, when it is certain, it is like leaving it behind wholly. It really feels like it is finished and completed and now you can let go of fussing about it. It feels like shedding your old skin, so you can welcome a new one. To welcome new opportunities, new ideas, new houses, new plans; you can finally go off and experience them! You are renewed in a sense, freed of old strings, ready to float wherever you want to be or wherever the wind takes you. The end is not merely an end, but also the means to a new beginning.

In that transition between end and beginning there is nothing to control, no old things and no new things yet, and I love then being able to, for a little while, not control anything. After that I will dutifully and willingly pick up the reins and strings again and once again try to assert that I have some control over my life in this admittedly very uncontrollable world.


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