Looking at the blog posts I have written thus far, I realized what a difference there is between all these posts. Some posts describe just a thought process, others describe feelings, from feeling really good and inspired to feeling sad or empty. Some of these opposite posts even have just a day time difference between them. For me, looking at these posts is sort of like looking at the inner workings of my brain.
Oftentimes when I feel really happy or really low it is like nothing can break that state. When I am feeling bad, it feels like I will forever be in that state of gloom, fatigue and/or despair. When I am really hyped up and happy, it is like anything can happen to me and I will still be smiling. Scanning over the posts I have made, I realize that neither of these ideas is true. When I feel happy, for sure I will also feel low again. The other way around is, luckily, also true: when I am down, I can count on it that I will feel better again in the future; maybe even within just a day. The sun truly will come out tomorrow.
Realizing how fleeting my thoughts and feelings are, I am wondering how much weight I should give to them. Should I really feel and experience everything so deeply that it seems as if I will never feel any other way again? Can I even experience in a different way, or is plunging in the only way? Or should I maybe feel everything so strong, because it means I actually live through the emotions instead of bypassing them?
So many questions, so little answers. Some days I would like my feelings to be a little less all-encompassing. To be able to not drown in ‘downward’-feelings when they arise. On the other hand, for me I think this is the only way to be. I love the highs of my life and how they can encompass everything and make everything glow; and if I want the highs, I should also be okay with the lows.
For me, the lows are also the places where I have learned the most. My deepest and most painful lows have taught me extremely valuable lessons; they have taught me how it feels to be in despair, so I can understand another human being when they experience that emotion. They have taught me compassion and empathy. They have taught me to be a kinder human, to be softer and more loving. They have taught me how to love unconditionally, how to put myself aside for a moment so I can be there for another. They have taught me reality, shown me what is real and what is not. They have taught me how to love myself, even my deepest, darkest sides. They have made me wiser, more wholesome, more true. They have taught me how to sit with emotions and let them be, so that I can extend that gift to someone if they need it. And for all those reasons and lessons, I guess I would not even want my lower moments to disappear. Because I need them to teach me to be love and light and kindness.
So all in all, I guess I will continue to go with my day-to-day, hour-to-hour states of being. Experiencing everything, feeling every part and every side of it, so that I can also let it go again when the time is ready. And time is always ready.