So a friend told me that today is a day of saying thanks for the harvest in our lives. No it is not Thanksgiving, we do not even celebrate that in my country, though this saying-thanks day and Thanksgiving have a similar origin. I think it is a lovely thing to have one day to realize all the blessings you have in your live and be thankful for them. I really want to be thankful today. Unfortunately, from the moment I got up till now my inner critic has been relentlessly criticizing everything I do.
My inner critic is that voice some of us have; that voice inside us that likes to tell us we are not good enough. That we do not do our jobs well enough, that we do not care enough for others, that we are selfish and boring. That voice without compassion, that just starts making a list of everything you have ever done wrong and everything you will do wrong in the near future. And that voice is very alive today, trying to get to me, to get me down.
First it started telling me that I did not do my job well enough. That I did not put enough energy into working hard compared to the amount of money that I earn. Once I explained the voice that sometimes I do more than I need to and sometimes a bit less and that it balances out, the voice found a new thing to stab me with. ‘Remember what you said to your co-worker yesterday? You meant for it to be a joke, but it could easily have been interpreted as you being very disrespectful. I think he thought you were very disrespectful to him.’. After the voice had made me feel very uncomfortable and unsure about the joke possibly gone wrong, it started telling me that I did not care enough for my horse. That I did not put enough time in taking care of him, did not put enough energy into thinking off new challenges for our training, that I was generally not a good enough owner. After even that topic had been drained and most of all, all my energy was drained, my head just started to panick in general. Just for the heck of it.
I have to say that I find it quite hard right now to find something to be grateful for, when I am just too tired to keep all my emotions in check. So I want to do it a bit different. I will be grateful for my inner critic firing my mistakes right in my face, because it means I have plenty of energy in my body to be able to think about such things. I will be grateful for fretting over the fact if I do or do not do my job well enough, because it means that I have a job in the first place. I will be grateful for wondering if I am a good enough horse-owner, because it means that I have such wealth that I can willingly sustain and love another creature on this earth beside myself. I will be grateful that when I am drained and tired, I have a bed to turn to and fall asleep in. I will be grateful that I fret over such minor details as doing a job well, because it means that I do not have to fear for worse thinks, like my own safety or that of my friends and family. I will be grateful for the food that nurtures my body so I can feel both happy and just plain sad. I am grateful for being born into such a luxurious life that I have the possibility of exploring both the beautiful sides of life and the not so beautiful sides of it.
So I will say thank you universe for all of it; the good and the bad. And then I will just relax and go to sleep, so tomorrow I can be grateful for a day without my own criticism. With all the love, me.