I have not written frequently in a while (but let us be honest, I never have); for the last few weeks I let life happen and saw where it took me. It has been chaotic to say the least, from the highest mountain tops to the lowest valleys. I have been pondering about life, about humanity, I have examined my feelings, searched my soul and felt it all. I have laughed like never before, to cry like I thought I never would again the next day. I was sure I was the luckiest person alive, to also feel like something dreadful is heading my way.
Life is strange and life is beautiful, both sides equally present and equally important. I am searching for the point of it all, the one meaning, the wisdom hidden in plain sight, but I fear that there might be none. It feels like I am on the brink of a change, just balancing on the edge between what is known and what is new, wondering if I dare to take the plunge. Wondering if I should take the plunge; if there is something wonderful waiting on the other side or if I would make the biggest mistake of my life. In hindsight I often feel like there could have been no other way in how things worked out; it does not matter if it played out good or bad, it could have gone no other way. But when I feel the edge, the moment of change nearing, I get sort of paralyzed with fear. Because I still have the choice and what if I make the wrong one? I am desperately afraid of looking back at my life and feel regret. Give me anything but spare me regret. Regret is such a painful emotion, it will incapacitate all. It shows you everything that could have been different, if only… If only you had the courage to show how you felt; if only you had the forgiveness to let go of resentment and move on; if only you did not allow fear to rule your life. If only…
I have done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime, but I carefully guard my emotions and make sure regret stays far away. I will search for the meaning in my mistakes, for what I have learned from it that makes me a better human being today. I will not allow myself to ask the question ‘what if?’, because I suspect that once asked the question will never let me go again. Sometimes however I use it to determine future action. I ask myself ‘What if I do this?’ or ‘What if I do not do this?’, will I regret not taking the plunge? If the answer is yes, then I know that there is no choice anymore and I will have to jump face first in whatever it is that scares me so much. Right now though I do not know what I will regret. I am not sure if I will regret not taking the chance or if I will regret taking it. It is all up in the air.
So I am putting off making any decisions, making any unalterable changes, until the moment that I believe I do know what to do. Until the moment I can answer the question ‘Will I regret doing this or will I regret not doing it?’. Until that moment, I will be here, waiting, allowing life to rush over me and see what happens.