Lately I have been having some intense mood swings. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world, like my life has never been better before; other times I can get frustrated and angry for absolutely no reason. All of a sudden everything seems to irritate me and I feel like throwing stuff around. It feels a bit weird to be honest. My life now is better manageable than it was over the last 3 years; I finally have some time again to rest and do some things just for the enjoyment of it, which I have not been able to do in the 3 years before. It sure seems like I should be able to handle the things that are going on. And yet, for some reason, I feel totally out of control on a weekly basis.
For example, last Sunday was an easy day for me. I woke up after 9 hours of sleep, started my day quietly watching some movie while having breakfast. The only thing I had planned to do that day was to go see my horse. And somehow, that was already too much. After a few hours at the barn I was so immensely tired and frustrated that I felt like kicking something. Once I am in that kind of mood I know there is nothing I can do except for wait it out and mostly sleep it out. The thing that baffled me was that normally such a mood only occurs if I have been doing too many things that day, which was definitely not the case that Sunday. What is happening with me?
Maybe it has to do with the fact that it feels like my entire life is up in the air right now. Sometimes it feels like the walls around me are on the verge of breaking down and I am running around to keep them standing. I guess the most important question that I am trying (and failing) to answer is ‘Where do I belong?’. I used to have a real, strong sense of belonging. I had my group of best friends, my family and a few individual friends as well. Having them in my life provided me a feeling of safety and an anchor to keep me grounded and feeling like I had a specific place in this world.
Now however, I sometimes wonder if I really belong anywhere. Some days I am overcome by the feeling that the person I am today has no real and whole place within my friendships. It feels like different parts of me belong in different friendships, while there is no friendship where my entire being fits anymore. Like I am a puzzle piece trying to fit in with other people’s puzzles, only to find out that just one or two sides of my piece fits with their puzzles, but never all sides of my piece. Taking into account the different puzzles that I am a part of, eventually all my sides will have a place somewhere. However, some days I wish that it could also feel like my entire puzzle piece could fit in with the puzzle. I wish I could feel anchored again, instead of feeling like I am a ship lost at sea waiting to be found again.
And I keep wondering, is it common to feel this way? Is this the way most people feel about their friendships and should I just get used to it? Or is it a sign that something has to change?
Where do I belong? I have no answer, just the question. So I will keep on asking it, over and over again. Where do I belong? I trust the answer to find me someday.