Evidence

Evidence that I suck as a human being today

  • I could not teach my horse anything new today, instead I probably taught him things he does not need to know and bored the hell out of him.
  • I joked around with the boyfriend of a friend of mine, which might or might not have made her feel a little uncomfortable.
  • I cried and broke down over #1 evidence-of-sucking.
  •  Even though there are so many more positive notes than negative notes on this list, I still feel the negatives outweigh the positives.

Evidence that I was a better human being today than I want to believe

  • Even in my state of emotional breakdown, whilst trying not to cry out loud in the bus, I still got up and helped make some space for someone who entered the bus with a pram.
  • I accepted someones offer to help me and made sure they did not feel obligated to do so under the circumstances.
  • I had a really nice warming-up session with my horse, which was an improvement compared to what we did before.
  • I still smiled and made a joke, even when feeling horrible.
  • I actually wrote down this list of negative and positive things in my day, to help me understand how valid and unchangeable my self-loathing feeling actually is.
  • I got up after only 6 hours of sleep to finish a family project and go to my horse.
  • I tried to think of new things to teach my horse and make it fun for him.
  • I took a moment to observe and investigate the radical notion that flawfull and fun might actually be better than flawless and perfect.
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