Today I met up with a friend of mine, as one sometimes does, especially after spending days being only surrounded by animals and getting tired of only hearing mews as an answer to your question. Though my friend and I do not speak often, when we speak we can go on for hours. We talk about anything and everything that is on our mind, while walking through the city and going to café’s to drink coffee and eat pie 🙂 Today we spend a lot of time talking about love (which is always a favourite subject) and pain.
Most people seem to think that love is a good thing. On the other hand, most people seem to also think that pain is a bad thing. To the best of my knowledge (and the best of my friends) this is a contradiction. For to feel love, is to risk the possibility of getting hurt. On the other hand, being hurt means you risked all to experience love. Now I am not suggesting that sadness is a wonderful emotion to experience, although some people who see the bigger picture might insist that pain is as magical as love (no, I do not think myself to be one of those people), but I am suggesting that we might have to be okay with experiencing pain if we want to be able to feel love.
This is also exactly the reason why I get so upset when people tell me to move on from a heartbreak ,whatever the sort, or when they tell me to fight against the sadness it brings. Because in a way it feels like these people are also saying that I should not feel love. Pain is merely the reaction to the losing of love or the loss of being able to express that love. A great Belgium psychologist called Manou Keirse, who is an expert on mourning and the mourning-process, talks about how grief is just an expression of the inability to continue giving our love to someone. For me this idea brings a lot of peace and tranquility to the emotion sadness; feeling sad just means that I love(d) a lot.
So when I ask you to accept my sadness, to allow me to feel pain thoroughly, I am actually asking you to accept that I have a lot of love to give and a lot of love to feel. Or when I ask you to allow me the risk of getting hurt, I am actually begging you to allow me to have a shot at love. Accepting someones pain, allowing someone to express their sadness and their heartache might therefore be one of the greatest gifts that you will ever be able to give someone. For to allow someone to break down over a broken heart, is to give them the space and freedom to feel love.
So when you encounter sadness in your own life, know that it stems from your ability to love. And when someone tells you about their pain, allow them to be sad and you will allow them to express the love they have in their hearts and that needs to get out. And when someone makes a decision you think could end up with them getting their heart hurt, allow them that opportunity for you will then also allow them a chance at love. Love will set you free, but only if you in turn set love free.