So the last few days I spend in between feeling somehow numb, being slightly sad and feeling like my normal, cheerful self. As you might have gathered from my last post, this last Sunday a friendship I had for years ended, either for a short while or for longer. Though it is more of a friendship-break (much like a break in a relationship) it feels like an end, because there is just no knowing if it will ever be okay again.
I imagine it might sound a tad dramatic, to have a break in a friendship but it fits with the sort of friendship it is/was. As a group we came together about 8 years ago; we bonded over being outsiders, the love for reading and geeky series and just a general love for the others in the group. A lot of things happened in that 8 years. We went from being almost inseparable, to having a lot of fights, to getting closer again, to just drifting apart. These last few years, it became more apparent that the friendship between me and the others in the group is not what it used to be anymore. It has come to the point that what I need in the friendship and what the others need, seems to be mutually exclusive.
Right now, I have a really hard time figuring out how I feel about it. Every time I try to catch the feeling in words, I draw a blank. The closest I can come to indicating how I feel is by quoting lyrics from ‘This is how it is now’ by the band Twarres (which is a totally amazing band, go look them up!):
We seemed to have it all, but couldn’t find the strength no more
to hold unto the dreams we’ve shared
If we can’t hold on, then we’ve got to let it go
Will it ever come around
No, I just don’t know