It’s been a while, I know. In all honesty, I really needed to get away from anything and everything. I retreated back into a cocoon of silence, paused and literally stopped doing anything; I quite everything that I could get away with because I ran into a wall. A wall that I have been building for years, but still could climb over every time I was in danger of tripping. But two months ago, I ran into a fully build and secure wall and fell back down hard. I was isolated by the brick prison I had built for myself over the years and there was no way out, no escaping it. So I laid on the floor and cried.
Today, I have not yet found my way out of my imprisonment, though I have found the courage and energy to get off the floor, stand up and look at the wall. For years I have felt its presence, but was happy to walk around it. Now is the first time that I fully look at the wall and staring at its foundation I can see the bricks it is made from:
*fear* *independence* *perfectionism* *judgement* *deceit* *anger* *loneliness*
any hardness in myself and for myself or for others has slowly materialised into this wall that is blocking my freedom. Every time I judged myself for not being perfect, blamed another for not fulfilling my needs; every time I felt I had to do everything all by myself, or deceived others by not showing how I truly felt; every time I was angry at the past and threw it in other people’s faces or was afraid to be imperfect; every time I asserted myself the others do not love me or tricked others into admitting that perhaps that was true; every time, I heated the clay, stirred in the sand, poured it into a mold and created another brick for this perverse piece of art.
Even though I am still sitting here, locked in, frozen in time, I am being thrown back unto a thought that has been around in my head for some time: the most dangerous thing we could ever do is to turn away from the darkness inside of us. Because if we do not see that we have darkness in our hearts, if we turn our backs toward it, then the darkness can creep up on us, slowly pull us into its paralysing grip and then seize us when we least expect it. Then we turn into the human we swore we would never be, without even realising that it happened.
We see it on a big scale: e.g. when we look at war crimes, we are often compelled to think ‘we would never ever do something like that’, but can we truly say that? I don’t think so. Wars happen to people, people who once had a normal everyday life just like you and me. But stunned by fear, violence and a ‘we versus them’-mentality, their defence against their own darkness weakens and then, one day, the darkness overpowers them turning them into people doing horrible deeds.
We see it on a smaller scale: e.g. when we feel frustrated with other people but do not tell them about our experience because we find it easier to skip over it and not get entangled in heated discussions. Then, one day, we find ourselves experiencing the same old frustration with the same person again, but this day the frustration, on top of all those moments before, reaches a peak and we just explode: we start screaming, crying and blaming the other for everything that is wrong in our lives. The other in turn will start defending himself, because – Hey, this is uncalled for!-.
And it is uncalled for! Because nor the other, nor we ourselves had ever seen this coming. But while we were turning our faces toward the light, the darkness in us had multiplied and, without anybody watching him and keeping him under control, he could do whatever the hell he wanted until he could take over our direction.
I have turned my back on my own darkness for a loooooooong time, skipping over my obstacles instead of addressing them and now he has caught up with me. The only way out now is to turn around and do the thing I am most scared of doing: face my darkness and investigate it thoroughly. This is the only way. Only when I know what my weaknesses are and what behaviour, situations or people trigger my most dark thoughts, only then will I be able to recognise when I slip from light to darkness and only by recognising the process can I stop it.
For now the darkness might still be able to hold me back and restrict my freedom, but in my embrace of him and my searching his nature I soon will be free. But never again will I let it play without supervision: this out of control child of my being will not run rampant again. Like Brené Brown says: “Only when we are brave enough to explore our darkness, will we discover the infinite power of our light”.
With all my love, light and darkness,