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Dear all,

Today, as I was working on some festive door decorations for my housemates, I realised something so profound that it filled me with love and joy and peace. I realised: I am home.

Now this realisation might seem really simple and not at all life-changing, but for me it is. As I wrote in a previous post, here, after my family and me had to move away from the home I grew up in, I have never felt home again. Not truly at least. There had been times where I felt it again, though never as strongly as I used to. Rather it was an echo, a glimpse of the feeling that I used to have being home.

But now, here in a new place I just moved to just a couple of months ago, I find myself truly and completely feeling it again. I am home. It is not just the feeling of comfort. It is not just that I am around nice people. It is not just the place I spend time being safe and sheltered. It is truly and utterly home.

H*O*M*E

I am Home! Thank God.

With all my love,

Me

Turning toward the darkness

Dear all,

It’s been a while, I know. In all honesty, I really needed to get away from anything and everything. I retreated back into a cocoon of silence, paused and literally stopped doing anything; I quite everything that I could get away with because I ran into a wall. A wall that I have been building for years, but still could climb over every time I was in danger of tripping. But two months ago, I ran into a fully build and secure wall and fell back down hard. I was isolated by the brick prison I had built for myself over the years and there was no way out, no escaping it. So I laid on the floor and cried.

Today, I have not yet found my way out of my imprisonment, though I have found the courage and energy to get off the floor, stand up and look at the wall. For years I have felt its presence, but was happy to walk around it. Now is the first time that I fully look at the wall and staring at its foundation I can see the bricks it is made from:

*fear* *independence* *perfectionism* *judgement* *deceit* *anger* *loneliness*

any hardness in myself and for myself or for others has slowly materialised into this wall that is blocking my freedom. Every time I judged myself for not being perfect, blamed another for not fulfilling my needs; every time I felt I had to do everything all by myself, or deceived others by not showing how I truly felt; every time I was angry at the past and threw it in other people’s faces or was afraid to be imperfect; every time I asserted myself the others do not love me or tricked others into admitting that perhaps that was true; every time, I heated the clay, stirred in the sand, poured it into a mold and created another brick for this perverse piece of art.

Even though I am still sitting here, locked in, frozen in time, I am being thrown back unto a thought that has been around in my head for some time: the most dangerous thing we could ever do is to turn away from the darkness inside of us. Because if we do not see that we have darkness in our hearts, if we turn our backs toward it, then the darkness can creep up on us, slowly pull us into its paralysing grip and then seize us when we least expect it. Then we turn into the human we swore we would never be, without even realising that it happened.

We see it on a big scale: e.g. when we look at war crimes, we are often compelled to think ‘we would never ever do something like that’, but can we truly say that? I don’t think so. Wars happen to people, people who once had a normal everyday life just like you and me. But stunned by fear, violence and a ‘we versus them’-mentality, their defence against their own darkness weakens and then, one day, the darkness overpowers them turning them into people doing horrible deeds.

We see it on a smaller scale: e.g. when we feel frustrated with other people but do not tell them about our experience because we find it easier to skip over it and not get entangled in heated discussions. Then, one day, we find ourselves experiencing the same old frustration with the same person again, but this day the frustration, on top of all those moments before, reaches a peak and we just explode: we start screaming, crying and blaming the other for everything that is wrong in our lives. The other in turn will start defending himself, because – Hey, this is uncalled for!-.

And it is uncalled for! Because nor the other, nor we ourselves had ever seen this coming. But while we were turning our faces toward the light, the darkness in us had multiplied and, without anybody watching him and keeping him under control, he could do whatever the hell he wanted until he could take over our direction.

I have turned my back on my own darkness for a loooooooong time, skipping over my obstacles instead of addressing them and now he has caught up with me. The only way out now is to turn around and do the thing I am most scared of doing: face my darkness and investigate it thoroughly. This is the only way. Only when I know what my weaknesses are and what behaviour, situations or people trigger my most dark thoughts, only then will I be able to recognise when I slip from light to darkness and only by recognising the process can I stop it.

For now the darkness might still be able to hold me back and restrict my freedom, but in my embrace of him and my searching his nature I soon will be free. But never again will I let it play without supervision: this out of control child of my being will not run rampant again. Like Brené Brown says: “Only when we are brave enough to explore our darkness, will we discover the infinite power of our light”.

With all my love, light and darkness,

Me

 

Run baby run

“And you laugh and you cry,

And you live and you die,

cause you don’t really know who you are

[…]

Run baby run

My hands release you baby

run baby run

as fast as you can” ~ Jason Upton

Some music can better express how you feel than any other Continue reading “Run baby run”

Mix it up

Hey all,

First of all welcome new followers! Really great to meet you here and to share ideas with you and hopefully also with you, as it would be great to hear yours! 🙂

So the last few weeks I have been “mixing it up” a little… Sounds ominous I know, but all it means is that I have been doing all sorts of things that fall outside of the normal, daily routine.

For example: I went abroad for a few days, doing a course (and felt super spoiled and rich doing so), loving every minute of it. Said hello to a stranger with a familiar face and now we’ll be meeting again soon. Posted a highly personal poem here, which Continue reading “Mix it up”

Moments continued

Dear all,

Moments. We all experience them every day, every time, all the time; we could even say that time is made up of an infinity of moments. Most of them pass by unnoticed, you meet them and within the blink of an eye you say goodbye again. Others are more significant and stay with you in your memories for years to come. And some are downright capable of changing you. Some moments are so, so significant that they almost literally cut time into pieces and leave a ‘before the moment’ and an ‘after the moment’.

Right now, I feel that I am in one of those moments. It happened out of the blue, nothing indicating anything big was about to happen. Then it happened. It was just 10 minutes in time, but felt like 10 years in experience. It was like a wake up call, like a slap in the face, like a change in perspective putting everything into place. And it felt great!

The moment itself has long passed, but its effect is still here and I suspect it will continue. It feels like I got a sneak peek into what is ahead of me and I am sooo curious as to see what will happen next.

What about all of you? Do you recognise something in this description? What was your moment of change? Your wake up call? Your before and after? Let me know!

With all my love,

Me

Humanity’s most interesting gift

Last weekend I was on a big event, part of the promotion team for my friend’s business. The whole day we promoted the company and what it stands for; we talked with all sorts of people, trying to find out what was important to them and showing them how we could aid them in achieving this. We wrote down many an email address, explained courses and had interesting, sometimes really special, conversations. In short: we shared what we believed in!

During the day, we saw different demo’s being given right in front of our promotion stand and during breaks we could walk around and have a look what other people wanted to share with the world. Walking around like this, attending demo’s at different parts of the venue, one thing became crystal clear to me: I, we as a team, was/were not the only one passionate about their company, believing in their business. I was one of many others, all trying to work towards ‘a better world’, though all having quite different views of what ‘a better world’ constitutes of.

That got me thinking: what if I hadn’t met my friend? What if I had never known of her company and never learned of what she does? I might have met one of the other people present at the event and have become part of their vision and their company, even though I am certain I would not want to now. I might have believed in something completely different, even something that contradicts what I believe in now.

Perhaps it is not of great value to consider these ‘what if’s’ to great lengths, but they do raise an interesting point. As humans we can make something outside ourselves really important, to the point that we perceive it as our mission to spread or fulfill that vision, idea, teaching etc. We have the incredibly gift of giving meaning to something that does not have meaning of itself; or even to attach greater value to this version than to that version of the same thought, while in essence the value of either version may be neutral. We can take something and make it into more than it is and then release it into the world to follow and cherish it.

Does that make our ideas, teachings and visions pointless or useless? I don’t think so. Because it has meaning to us and will therefore stay valuable, no matter what other people do and no matter the process of how this something became so valuable to us. However, I think it raises the point of how we also can never say that somebody else’s idea, work, teaching etc., is meaningless. It just can’t be when it has so much value for that other person or group. What we might try to express is that this other thing has no meaning to us, but that does not affect what it could do with other people.

We can give meaning to something or take it away and it might not even matter what the thing is we give meaning to. In the end: it is the meaning itself that allows our lives to feel useful and purposeful. Meaning is in the eye of the beholder, though it’s effects are felt world-wide.

A backpack full of dusty clothes & a mind full of fresh experiences

Dear all,

It has been a while! After 2 months living abroad, living in Brasil to be more precise, I have safely returned home, with a backpack full of dusty clothes and a mind full of fresh experiences.

From all sides, people ask me the incredibly difficult, though simple question: ‘How was it??’. To that I can only say ‘It was amazing’, something that exactly describes what it was and simultaneously cannot even touch on the real experience.

Because how can you explain that the first two weeks of your stay you daily experienced the urge to cry, because the people you met were (and still are) so amazing, doing such good work? How can one describe the smell of the air, the feeling of those hot, moist temperatures and the taste of freshly picked bananas? How can one truly get across what it feels like when you hear a loud bang, only seconds later realizing that you have probably just heard someone being shot? And how can give words to the poverty you have seen and the amount of street children you have met, making you bow down in humility, thanking something bigger than yourself for all that you have received in your life?

It was an experience to hold close to my heart and it is for sure impossible to forget, but even though I have learned so much, I feel at the same time that the real learning has yet to begin. In the end it is not what you learn and do when abroad, but it is what you do when you go back to your ‘normal’ life that will determine if your journey truly made a difference.

When you go back, it is so easy and so tempting to slip back into your well-known habits and patterns, looking back at your journey as beautiful memories to share and stories to tell. But maybe it is not what you left behind, but what is still in front of you that makes the real adventure. Transforming your old life into something more than it was, weaving in, developing and living out all your acquired insights and wisdom, transcending the boundaries you have experienced in the past: perhaps that is what is truly the experience of a lifetime!

With all my love,

Me